Whether your partner has been more emotionally distant than usual or spends more time on their phone than before, you might wonder if they’re living a secret double life.
While many people go to great lengths to hide their double life, there are some signs to watch out for. Not only that, there are also specialized tools, like cheating spouse trackers apps, that you can use to gather evidence and confirm your suspicions.
This guide explores why people live double lives, the warning signs to watch for, how to deal with the emotional toll, and actions you can take to find out the truth.
Key Takeaways
- The most common reasons for a double life include infidelity, substance abuse, secretive gambling, illegal activities, financial deception, and being disconnected emotionally.
- Warning signs that your partner may be living a double life could include a change in behavior, unexplained financial transactions, or increased communication with unknown people.
- Self-care techniques like going to therapy, exercising, practicing mindfulness, or working with support groups can help you cope with the uncertainty and anxiety caused by your partner’s behavior.
- Spy apps can help you confirm your suspicions and gather evidence of a partner’s double life, but it’s important to know the laws and regulations regarding their use.
How We Researched This Topic
To create this guide, we reviewed multiple surveys, studies, and polls from financial education organizations, academic journals, and university departments to identify key stats about cheating, gambling, substance abuse, and other reasons people live double lives. These resources included research from professors, doctors, and other experts with experience in addiction, medicine, finance, and relationships.
We also researched how people can confirm their suspicions and the legality of using spying apps to gather evidence.
What Is a Double Life?
A double life is when someone leads a second life that is completely detached and separate from their public life. Double lives are generally kept secret, as many involve illegal, immoral, or otherwise controversial behaviors. Many live double lives that people in their “first” life would be shocked to learn about.
Common Reasons for a Partner Living a Double Life
There are a few reasons people decide to live a double life; we explore them below.
Infidelity
While most people put all their energy into a single current relationship, some have multiple romantic relationships at once. In fact, cheating statistics show that 21% of Americans have cheated on either their current partner or a previous one.
In addition to a full-blown physical affair, many people also engage in emotional cheating, which involves developing a close connection with someone who isn’t their partner.
Of course, cheaters don’t want their partner to find out about the affair, which is why they decide to keep it secret.
Gambling Habits
Secretive gambling is another reason for someone to live a double life. People may be secretive about gambling because they know their partner would disapprove, they’ve lost a lot of money, or they’re embarrassed about being addicted to it.
According to Yale Medicine, about 1% of Americans have a gambling disorder. While this may sound small, it represents over three million people. If gambling habits get bad enough, it can ruin a family’s finances and put a major strain on relationships.
Substance Abuse
Concealing an alcohol or drug addiction is another reason for a person to live a double life. Nearly 50 million Americans battled some type of substance abuse disorder in 2023, according to a US national survey on drug use and health.
Some people are ashamed of this behavior and try to hide it or know it’ll lead to social stigma if it comes out. Also, with particular drugs (or the ways of possessing them) being illegal, many people want to keep their use under wraps for fear of being caught and facing legal consequences.
Financial Deception
While many couples share their finances with one another or at least have an idea of what the other spends, this isn’t always the case. According to the National Endowment for Financial Education (NEFE), 43% of people admit to deceiving their partner financially in some way.
This could involve hiding large online purchases, racking up consumer debt, lying about income, or hiding money and valuables from a partner.
Illegal Activities
Engaging in illegal activity will also likely cause a partner to keep the behavior a secret. This activity may include buying drugs or items on the black market, theft, money laundering, insider trading, or fraud.
These behaviors are often kept secret to avoid being caught or prosecuted. Some people may be ashamed of their actions and don’t want their partner to find out.
Emotional Disconnect
A big part of a healthy and committed relationship is being emotionally available. There are many reasons why one partner may be absent or distant from the other, but it can cause a desire for an emotional connection elsewhere and lead to a developing resentment for the one withholding love.
Key Warning Signs To Look For
If you’re worried your spouse is living a double life, there are some common signs to watch for.
Behavioral Changes
Look out for dramatic and random changes in your partner’s routines or behavior. For instance, if your partner is a homebody who hardly goes anywhere but suddenly stays out for long periods of time at strange hours or has changed their routine, like working late or spending more time with friends you don’t know, these may be signs of a cheating partner or of them living a double life.
Behavioral changes within the relationship may also occur, such as a less healthy sex life, being detached emotionally, or being more secretive about their device usage than in the past. However, sometimes, these warnings aren’t always obvious signs. You’ll find that subtle or gradual changes are harder to identify.
Financial Red Flags
Questionable charges or withdrawals on a joint account or a loan being taken out are often indicators of deceptive behavior and potentially a double life.
Couples need to be open about their finances, and unexplained or hidden behaviors like this can lead to an unhealthy or deteriorating relationship. Money and financial issues are among the biggest reasons for divorce in the US.
If you see unusual charges or withdrawals, and your partner never brings them up or gets defensive about what they’re for, take it as a potential warning sign.
Physical Signs
When you’re in a long-term relationship with someone, you get used to their grooming habits, how they dress, and how they present themselves. If their physical appearance changes, it could signify either trying to find a new partner or being more in line with what their affair partner prefers.
In addition to their appearance, if they’re suddenly in possession of new or unfamiliar items, it’s also a concerning sign. This includes new perfume or cologne, new lingerie, a luxury handbag, or some jewelry. These may be gifts for their secret partner or love tokens they’ve received.
Technology and Communication Changes
Another warning sign is using technology differently. Examples include getting texts from unknown people, hiding their devices from you, deleting messages, adding passwords to devices or accounts, or clearing their browser search history.
These behaviors show they have something to hide, and it can be concerning if they start doing them out of nowhere. The same goes if their communication efforts change, such as taking longer to respond, being less interested in conversation, or not answering calls or FaceTime.
Emotional Indicators
Lastly, emotional indicators could signify that your partner is hiding something. These include gaslighting you, being defensive when confronted about strange behavior, being distant, or making you feel paranoid and crazy.
The Emotional Toll and How To Manage Suspicion
Worrying about whether your partner has a secret life can be emotionally draining. Let’s look at how to manage it effectively.
Trust and Anxiety
First, fears about your partner living a double life can cause plenty of anxiety and stress. A healthy relationship relies on trust to succeed, but feeling like your partner is cheating or lying about something can lead to mistrust creeping in, which can hurt you and the relationship as a whole.
A study found that relationships that lack trust allow potentially harmful behaviors to develop, such as suspicion and jealousy. It also found that low levels of trust in a relationship are associated with negative relationship outcomes.
To rebuild trust, it’s essential to have open and honest communication with your partner, where both of you are active participants. While it’s not always easy, it’s important to offer support and understanding regarding their struggles and allow them a chance to change and explain the situation.
It’s also crucial that they let you express your feelings without getting defensive or trying to dictate the pace or direction of the conversation.
Self Care
If you’re convinced your partner is leading a double life, but you don’t want to bring it up with them, or they deny it when you do, it puts you in a difficult spot. While you could just end the relationship and move forward, for many, it may be too extreme.
Instead, adopt techniques that will help you cope with the anxiety and uncertainty. A good option is to attend therapy or speak with a relationship expert, as this will help you understand your feelings better and develop proper strategies to deal with them. It also gives you a neutral third party to whom you can explain your situation and talk things through.
Other techniques to cope with anxiety include:
- Keeping a journal
- Meditating daily and practicing mindfulness=
- Deep breathing exercises
- Spending time with friends and family
- Exercising
- Improving your diet
- Joining a support group
Understanding Red Flags vs. Overthinking
When evaluating red flags in your relationship, try to avoid overthinking. This is when you repeatedly worry about, analyze, or dwell on a single topic or situation for a long time, and it’s quite common.
According to an age group study by a University of Michigan professor:
- 25-35 year olds: 73% overthink
- 45-55 year olds: 52% overthink
- 65-75 year olds: 20% overthink
Overthinking is often more harmful than helpful and frequently leads to getting caught up in negative thoughts and believing things are worse than they actually are.
Unfortunately, separating valid concerns in a relationship from overthinking isn’t always easy. To know the difference, you need to truly consider the red flag and whether it’s valid or if it resulted from your insecurity or assumptions.
Take a step back and evaluate situations when your partner displays concerning signs, how often it happens, and how they respond when you ask them about it. Try to remove yourself from your thoughts and feelings during those events and just focus on what you saw regarding their actions and explanations.
Some people tend to build up narratives in their heads and eventually take those as fact, even when the other person hasn’t said or done anything to confirm them.
It’s important to avoid making assumptions or jumping to conclusions without evidence. Overthinking is harmful and often creates issues when none exist.
However, the opposite is also true. Those in an abusive relationship may believe or convince themselves that the mental, emotional, or physical abuse is excusable or normal and may not be able to see how wrong their partners’ actions are.
If you ask your partner about their concerning behavior and make your feelings known, but they’re overly defensive or standoffish, then you’re likely dealing with an actual red flag and not overthinking.
How Spy Apps Can Help
Many people who suspect their partner of living a double life resort to using a trustworthy spy app to help prove it. This specialist software can be used to to spy on your partner’s phone to shed light on any secretive behaviour.
What Spy Apps Do
Spy apps have a variety of features that give you insights into what your partner is doing. The exact features vary from one app to the next, but let’s look at the features of one of the most popular options on the market, mSpy.
mSpy helps you:
- Record your partner’s screen with a hidden screen recorder
- Use a GPS location tracker to pinpoint their whereabouts in real time
- Keep track of everything they type with a keylogger, even if it’s deleted later
- View all photos and videos on their device
- Check out all their texts, including ones they’ve deleted
- View their call log
- See their messages on social media
Using a spy app helps you find the answers you’re looking for in a few ways. First, it helps you confirm your suspicions. You’ll be able to view everything on their device, and if there’s anything nefarious going on, you’ll see.
Next, using these apps also helps you gather evidence on your partner and prove beyond a reasonable doubt that they’ve been living a double life.
Without these apps, there’s no way to know for certain what your partner is doing unless they show or tell you, which is unlikely if they’ve got something to hide. Even hiring a private investigator may not produce the detailed evidence spy apps can equip you with.
Legal and Ethical Boundaries
However, before you rush to use these apps to try and catch your deceptive or cheating partner in the act, it’s important to be aware of the legal rules and regulations surrounding them.
Spying on a partner in the US is usually illegal. This is thanks to the Electronic Communications Privacy Act (ECPA). The law protects written, oral, and electronic communications during transit and while stored. It promotes privacy and prevents unauthorized access to private communications and accounts.
Your partner has a reasonable expectation of privacy, and violating it is generally against the law. However, it’s legal to access these communications if the individual permits you, but most people leading a double life won’t grant it for fear of being caught.
Penalties for violating this law are potentially steep, with fines of up to $250,000 and five years in prison.
In addition to the legal issues, there’s also the question of ethics and when it’s justified to use a spy app. For example, while spying on a partner is often seen as a major breach of privacy, it’s normally okay for a parent to install these apps on their children’s devices so they can ensure their safety online.
Choosing the Right Spy App
If you’ve decided that using a spy app makes sense for your situation, explore the best spy apps and find the right one for your needs. Consider these factors during your search:
- Ease of installation and use
- Discreetness (“hidden mode”)
- Device compatibility
- Reliability
In addition, check out the reviews and ratings of other users to confirm whether the spy app you’ve chosen is the best fit for you.
Conclusion
People living double lives often do it to cheat on their partner, hide substance abuse or gambling addictions, or participate in illegal activities. If you’re worried your partner is keeping secrets, there are many key signs to watch for, like physical or behavioral changes, changes in technology use, or strange financial charges or withdrawals.
Worrying about this can be emotionally draining, so identify healthy ways to cope, such as therapy, exercise, meditation, and support groups.
If you’re after further reading on this topic, check out our guide on how to know if your partner is cheating and our overview of some of the best cheating spouse tracking apps.
FAQs
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References
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- https://epic.org/ecpa/
- https://www.yalemedicine.org/conditions/gambling-disorder
- https://americanaddictioncenters.org/addiction-statistics
- https://divorce.com/blog/causes-of-divorce/
- https://www.nefe.org/news/2021/11/2-in-5-americans-admit-to-financial-infidelity-against-their-partner.aspx
- https://www.globalinvestigations.co.uk/private-investigator/is-my-partner-living-a-double-life-5-warning-signs/
- https://bestlifeonline.com/secret-life-signs-news/
- https://www.realhealthmag.com/article/signs-significant-might-leading-double-life
- https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5380380/
- https://psychcentral.com/blog/trust-issues-causes-signs
- https://news.umich.edu/most-women-think-too-much-overthinkers-often-drink-too-much/
- https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/how-to-cope-with-anxiety